Question. What is the opposite of love? Answer: Hate? Indifference? Try fear! Love connects; fear disconnects. To love, deeply, is to trust and express vulnerability. That is the growth edge of love: trust and vulnerability. One cannot connect just through trust, one must feel the vulnerability – the possibility of failure, of rejection, of neglect, of loss.

Vulnerability is the back office support for the front office work of trust. If trust is abused, vulnerability (with its uncomfortable emotion of fear) floods forward, and the relationship is wounded, sometimes mortally. It just cannot be repaired unless there is exceptionally hard work from both counter parties.

Marriages are the dominant laboratory to test this hypothesis. And it seems to be correct. Marriages need trust boundaries, and if breeched, the pain of vulnerability exerts itself as anger, guilt or shame, replacing trust with a mindset of mistrust. Cannot, and never, connect if there is mistrust mindset.

Development psychology is the study of phases a human endures through the life cycle. Interesting, the very first psychological hurdle is that of trust by the newborn. This phase extends for approximately eighteen months. Provided there is consistent care, predictability, trust, then the infant moves forward being able to build relationships. Kids who do not navigate this trust/mistrust exploration can develop difficulties later on with friends, teachers, siblings, even into adult intimate relationships.

Unfortunately, a successful first year or more of a trusting relationship, say with mom and dad, is not an absolute insurance against mistrust. Abuse from teachers, preachers, stalkers, narcissistic lovers, psychopathic bosses, can wear down even the most resilient.

The same principle applies to relationship with oneself.

Unable to trust oneself, one’s natural talents, intuitions, decisions, and having the courage to overcome personal vulnerability, restricts possibilities, never ever fully embracing life and staring down the harsh realities of life. Self absorption, low self-esteem, lack of self-belief, are products of fear, the opposite of love. One, of course, must distinguish self love, which is healthy, from that of narcissism, which is complete focus on oneself.

The ‘me’ culture is, I think, a defense against underlying fear, the inability to deeply trust and express vulnerability. This defect is a symptom expression of bullies, who exist not only on the school playground, but in marriages, families, work places and religious institutions. Regrettably, the most powerful bully lies in our cortical real estate, the incessant conversations of the inner critic, the noisiest place on earth, - bullying us that we are not good enough, that nihilism is the dominant philosophy,

King David, the magnificent Biblical figure, reckoned that trust in humankind is futile. All the psalms are an expression of trust in his God. His prose is an outpouring of his vulnerabilities, his fears, his uncertainties.

Even though the voices of atheists are more noisy these days, the majority of human beings do believe in a higher power, a supreme power – the creator, the grand architect, the breath within the breath - the ultimate decider.

Practice mindfulness in any relationship, just being present now with the other. Who ever the other maybe, even just yourself. Then turn towards the attitude of compassion, and practice over and over again. A great self-esteem booster.

Making Relationships Work | Part 1 | Dr. John Gottman